I stand here ravaged; desolate.
I sit alone in my despair,
Dwelling on the negative things
That have transformed my life
Into an empty nothingness.
No light shines bright enough
Where I can visibly see.
No beckoning voice can be heard
To help rescue me from my plight.
The dark is upon me once again.
As in the past, it is my own doing
That has brought me to this affair.
Many times I have caught a glimpse
Of things to come
Or at least what could be.
But just as many times
I fail to act upon them.
Therefore, they disappear
As quickly as they come,
Leaving me with only my thoughts…
Thoughts of what should have been
If I had moved.
Why do I hesitate so when the outcome
Could be everything I’ve ever hoped for?
Instead I cheat myself
And leave myself all but bare.
Is it fear that holds me back?
Am I afraid I will fail
And not achieve my dreams?
Am I terrified that I won’t be as good
As I think I am; as I know I am?
If I know, then why do I fear?
Why do I allow every good thing in life
To pass me by while I embrace the pain…
The hurt, the suffering…?
What is this curse that is upon me?
Why do I stand at the docks and watch
The ships come and go and never board?
Why for good things do I never dare.
The dark likes it.
The dark embraces it.
The dark laughs at my folly.
I’ve let the dark win to this point,
But not entirely.
I have not lost all hope.
Hope is what keeps me alive.
Hope that someday I will break this curse
And fear no more.
Hope that I will for the fear
No longer care.
One may ask, “Why would I hesitate
When the answer is so clear?”
One may never know, save that
Maybe one feels they don’t deserve it.
Though, one may also realize
In time that their pity-party is
unfounded.
At a time, perhaps, there were no
supporters.
No one who could be called friend.
At a time, maybe there were no means.
No money or opportunity to pursue with or
for.
At a time, there may have been confusion
Over what exactly one was to do.
Those times have passed, all things
fulfilled.
Supporters, though few, do now exist.
Money can be obtained through hard work,
And opportunity presents itself daily.
The answer is clear on what should be
done.
Only the drive and will is currently
lacking.
Yet I lie here motionless,
Making no effort toward the obvious…
Taking no initiative to produce my
heart’s desire.
And I complain.
“No one understands. No one cares.”
Perhaps it is I who has ceased to care.
God forbid.
