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I'm not really sure why I feel so compelled to post right now about a few issues, but here I am. I was just about to turn in for the evening because I was completely bored and somewhat tired. Then I got the notion to listen to some of the memories wrestlers shared about Eddie Guerrero on wwe.com. I also watched the tribute video featuring 3 Doors Down, and then I broke.
Now I'm not a crier, nor really that much an emotional guy. I'm passionate about certain things, but a lot of the time I keep my true emotions inside. It's just my way. Usually the only times I cry are either in prayer or when something tragic happens to someone I'm close to. But for some reason Eddie Guerrero's death has affected me in a much unexpected way.
For days now every time I think about it I burst into tears, tonight being the biggest stream of them all. The kicker is I'm not exactly sure why. I never personally met the man, though he was one of my favorite wrestlers of all time. But I've never put much stock in celebrities being anything more than people like me who happen to have higher profile careers, thus living in the preverbial spotlight. So I can reason it's not because I'm a fan that I'm breaking down. And sure loss of life is tragic no matter who it is and it saddens me every time I hear of it, but usually not to the point of bawling with tears running down my face unless I knew them and was close to them.
There are a couple of reasons I can figure probably have something to do with it. One I won't go into too much because it's very personal, but it has to do with church and God, and my eventual ministry. The other reason is probably due to recent events in my life. These two things coupled together have probably made me much more sensitive to traumas such as this. But on the other hand, other deaths I've heard of throughout the week haven't affected me as such. So maybe it's just one of those things you can't explain.
What I do know of Eddie Guerrero is that he had some demons in his past that he overcame and was very honest about. And Eddie, above all other wrestlers I've ever watched, allowed a lot of his true personality to come through in the ring and on the mic. So I guess it's possible I felt somewhat connected to him in that way. And finding out he was a Christian also probably had something to do with it having felt even more of a connection. But that can't be the totality of it.
This past year has been a hard one for me with a lot of set backs, questions, confusion and heartache. I've lost friends this year for no apparent reason to me, I've left a comic company under questionable circumstances, thus costing me another friend, I've gotten fired from another one under questionable circumstances that I haven't really gotten over, I've come face to face with some hard decisions in the past few months that have challenged my entire life's choices and stance on things, I've walked away from something that is precious to me to get clarity that I have yet to gain, I've had illness after illness affect me and plague me nonstop, I've had family do me wrong and cause rifts that haven't yet begun to heal, I've lost a love I never really had, I've watched friends' lives move on while mine stands still, I've lost great opportunities that could have bettered my life in many ways, I've dealt with family members being threatened and stalked, I've been laid off from my job and here it is a month and a half from Christmas and I'm not doing great, and so many other things that I can't even remember them all. So maybe it's just a culmination of all things together and Eddie's death was a representation of them somehow, I don't know.
Let me state that those negative things that have happened to me this year in no way negate the positives that have occurred, and I am grateful for all of those. I am in no way in a state of feeling sorry for myself or depression. I have been in both of those deep before and almost didn't find a way out. I've dealt with a lot of tragedy and turmoil in my life from abusive relatives to several near death experiences and more, so the things that happened this year pale in comparison. But this year just housed so many things at once. It's been hard to stay positive, but try I must and try I do.
The main thing is all that has happened and the fact that I'll be thirty in a little over a year has just brought a lot of things into perspective and it's made me second guess the way I spent the last several years and what I poured my energies into. I have a lot of unanswered questions and a lot of confusion, and they've just taken quite a toll on me is all. So maybe that's why it's affecting me as such.
But I really didn't post in hopes of gaining sympathy, kind words or even encouragement. I also didn't post to spill out all my problems or talk about all the negative stuff, it just came out that way. What I really posted for was to attempt to get my feelings out there. And why not write them in a notebook where noone would read them? I don't know. I really have no answer as for why I am typing this on the internet where it could potentially be read by millions, though I seriously doubt this humble little blog will ever host that many readers.
I guess in part if I'm going to do this thing (the blog) I want to do it right. I started it to share what was going on with me and to express my thoughts and opinions. And because I got so tired of seeing all the other blogs (most of them that is) just rip on people they usually don't know and talk about everything negative under the sun and curse five times a sentence. I just wanted to provide an alternative I suppose. And then here I am posting all kinds of negative stuff. Go figure.
But this post really does have a positive spin on it. Though I am battling a lot of questions and confusion right now I am positive about the outcome. I know where I'm going and what I can accomplish in the areas I am passionate about if I can just get past the many obstacles in my path, most being placed there by myself. I am very confident in my abilities, my passion and my direction. There have just always been many different hands pulling me in many different directions, and it was always hard to figure out which way to go or what to focus on, which is why I needed clarity. Both Eddie's death and stepping away gave me some of that clarity. There are certain things I am sure of 100% I am supposed to do and that I want to do. There are others I'm not so sure about how to go about them. And the real problem is determining how to get from here to there, what to let go of and what to hang on to, and other decisions of that sort.
So please don't think I'm on here crying about my poor life. Much of it I brought upon myself. Much of it I didn't. Regardless, I am strong enough to overcome it because I am a firm believer we go through things in our lives to prepare us for things later on. Whether that be to face harder obstacles or to develop character traits that will help us become great at something, or better yet going through experiences so we can help others in similar situations. Whatever the case may be, I have been through many, many things in my life and they have made me something I would have never been without them. They made me strong; they made me a survivor. People look to me for my strength and my passion, and those are attributes you can't bottle and sell, or teach in a classroom. Those come from life experiences. So I try not to look at my experiences as negatives on a grander scale, but as preparation to become something greater, God willing.
In closing, I really had no direction for this post and don't really know how to end it. I'm sure you've all figured out by now that I can be rather wordy when I want to be and could go on for hours in this manner. So I'm just going to cut it short and hope maybe someone gets something out of this. I guess that's why I share; to connect to people; to relate to people; and possibly in the off chance of helping people. Until next time...
B-Out
posted by Brant W. Fowler @ 4:15 AM
3 comments
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3 Comments:
It doesn't matter how many word you use, what matters is that you get them out.
It is freaky how similar our lives are and I am not lying to you to score any points - I am being serious.
I have had my share of illness, near death experiences (including self-inflicted), family bust ups, relationship failures and anti-social addictions (not to drugs!) to know that there is nothing in the world that can stop you.
I also never believed more in anything in my life than in my dreams and goals to be a creative person.
I am making new strides in that pursuit everyday, as are you.
Believe it or not, going through crap is one of the best things that ever happened to me because it caused me to really focus on what I want out of life. This is why I am ever so close to breaking through.
Good stuff, bad stuff is all just energy swirling around. If you take the time to harness and focus the energy, good or bad, you will come out on top!
PLUS you have a supporter all the way out in Oz. There aren't too many who can claim that!
Jason
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jason stole some of my thunder in his comment, which is a good thing since it means that there are people out there that your blog touches for any variety of reasons (Hopefully I will have that same thing too!)
IF I may be so bold, I would like to respond to what you just posted, please delete this if I offend you because that's certaintly not my attempt.
When I read your latest post, I felt very sad for you. You talked about this connection between the events of the past year and the death of a celebrity you admired tying together to cause an unusual release of emotions and feelings. I have to say that there is nothing wrong with that at all!
I definitely do not have your youth (I'm almost 37) but I think I have been where you are now. I may be wrong in that assumption, but what you said struck some cords with me about myself when I was around the same stage in my life (not AGE, but STAGE----it's important to note the difference).
For me, when I was at a similar stage, I remember frequently feeling overcome with emotions and unexpected loss of control of those same emotions. Now, I'm not saying that it's exactly the same, but for me I had this sense that my life was unaccomplished or undeveloped.
For me personally, I started my adult life later than I wanted to for a variety of reasons that were beyond my control at the time and were not my fault. That being said, it didn't make the sting any less painful.
As a result of starting late, I really felt that I wasn't measuring up to a standard that I had made myself( a standard I had subconsciosly created and reached for). I wanted to be farther along in my life's goals and dreams, and I just wasn't getting there.
To be honest, I made many mistakes myself that caused set backs. I also had to dig myself out of a mighty big hole that I was born into. It seemed that at times as I struggled to get out of this hole, that my family, friends, bad habits, and even my own life, conspired against me to pull me back down. It was times like that which lead me to nights and weeks that sound similar to what you are currently going through.
Like you, I have always been the type of person to hold things in and not pass along my frustrations or turmoils to those around me. I won't judge anyone who does that, but I have since learned that for me this wasn't the right thing to do. I'm not saying it's bad for you to do, just that for me it wasn't.
Why do I bring that up? Because for me it was destructive, and at the least counter-productive. The final realization of this came to me this year, and I haven't looked back since.
The key for me was that I learned to enjoy what I actually have in my life by accepting my accomplishments, no matter how small they were. This was important for me because once I did this, once I learned to appreciate and fully understand my personal history was I free to fully go after my future.
Maybe that sounds a bit too "Zen", I don't know, but I feel it to be the truth. I know it's easy to say those things and it's even easy to see them as valuable and noble ideas, but for me I never really gave them a chance. I never really took ownership of those ideas and tried them out for myself.
Since I have fully done that, I have known levels of hapiness that I previously thought nonexistent. To put it simply, for me my future accomplishments aren't as important as the path I am taking.
Let me share a few of those realizations that I came to:
I no longer want to be a high school teacher at the expense of doing it wrong (explaining the politics and nature of that would take many many pages, which I will leave out for now),
I want to have a comic book/game store of my own.
I also want to write comic book stories.
Here's the important thing for me, I will absolutely never ever stop trying to accomplish those goals. I may not ever succeed in achieving them, but failure will only occur if I quit trying.
For me there has been a freedom in taking this stance and keeping my desire burning. I will work what ever crappy jobs I have to in support of achieving those goals, but I won't quit, no matter how many people tell me "No"!
I know I've rambled on forever here, but I believe I have an actual point to this that might explain why you're going through this current rough patch.
My belief, as an extremely uneducated and removed scholar of all things Brant Fowler, these feelings are a manifestation of your guilt over the struggles of your life.
What I mean by that is I have noticed this great connection you have to your friends and family that is extremely deep, loving, amd loyal. I think that maybe you get conflicted at times, or caught in the middle of helping out others and moving yourself forward. This tug-of-war between the needs of those you love and your needs is tremendously draining and emotionaly exhausting at times. The fact that you straddle this fence is a testament to your incredible will and strength of self.
I could be absolutely off base on all of that, but I believe I am close to home with it. Because of that, I think you see the death of someone you admired (Eddie Guerrero) as a trigger to get the things you want out of life before your time is up, since that may come at a young age.
I know that scenario all too well. For me, there were two such people in my life, one was Walter Payton and the other was a friend who tragically died after finally getting his life turned around. The passing of each of them left me raw and unable to control my emotions.
Hindsight has now taught me that I saw my own sad tragedies in each of their lives. I saw each of them as me, dying early and capable of accomplishing so much more than they had, despite whatever obstacles they had overcome.
But as I have come to realize, it's not about what we have achieved or attained, it's about the purity of the path we travel while getting there.
For me I had to focus on myself and forget the guilt and pain and needs of those around me, to an extent of course, so that I could stay on my path. Once I was able to do that, the help I could offer to those around me was greater. I no longer gave out fish, I taught people how to fish for themselves.
A great example in this is my youngest sister. I neglected myself for her needs, by not going to college and moving forward on my path. Instead, I stayed home and helped out with the bills and the chores so that she could finish high school.
It did absolutely no good. Why? Well, that time I spent allowed my mother and other family members to play on my sense of obligation and duty to put me in a financial burden and to top it off, she never graduated from high school.
I eventually went to college, paid my entire way through all on my own, worked 45 hours a week while attending classes full-time, and still sending money home to my mother and sisters.
And still there weren't positive results to show for it. And their needs became greater. I know had nieces and nephews, and instead of helping out with a car repair of something like that, I was keeping the electric on or buying diapers and food (only to find out later that is was for cable bills or to help them pay back loans).
And still, it accomplished nothing but lowering my savings and making my life harder. I finally had to pull myself back and say "no" for a long time. It was hard too, when they were kicked out of houses and apartments, and I saw my neices and nephews neglected due to substance abuse. But as bad as it got, offering to help them did nothing to actually help them, I was only enabling them.
Eventually, things got real bad for my youngest sister and she was on the verge of losing her 4 kids because she didn't have a job or a place to live (she was homeless and living in a camp ground, in a tent). At this point I stepped in again, and I took them all into my house.
But this time it was different. First off, I had my own life and a much better job than I ever did before (I was teaching) and I forced my sister to sign a contract and follows certain rules. In the end, I had to ask her to leave before she had accomplished all of the goals she and I had made together, but I taught her how to fish.
Today, she is still not a very good person, and not a very good mother, but she is better than before she moved in with me. She knows how to budget her income and pay her bills. She has been in the same house for two straight years now (a new record!!) but it wasn't easy by any means and it has defintely strained our relationship.
My point in telling that little story is that I was most effective helping others when I had allowed myself to go forward on my own path and stopped "holding back".
OK, I just reread what I wrote.............man can I ramble!! I don't want to go on much more here, even though I feel like I could just keep writing about this for pages and pages. Here I am still rambling.
Seriously, I think you're ok and I think you're doing fine. Just let everything out and get yourelf back on track to help yourself out first, then you can be more effective for others. And if you want to vent, please vent. Even if you need to just drop me a line to do it, go ahead.
Like Frasier Crane used to say on Frasier:
"Go Ahead, I'm Listening!"
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